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What do I do when meeting my metamour for the first time?

Dec 22, 2023

Do you have advice on meeting a partner’s partner for the first time?

So in polyamory, we call your partner’s partner your metamour.

The big pieces of advice I have for meeting a metamour for the first time are number one, make sure that the hinge partner, so that’s the person for whom you are both a partner, make sure that that hinge knows how to be a good hinge and is doing their job as a good hinge.

What does this mean?

Okay.

So sometimes the hinge partner will just kind of go along with what everybody else says or wants.

They will not stand up for one or both of their partners.

They will get into people-pleasing.

They will get into avoidance.

And if you’re meeting your metamour for the first time, this can create a lot of awkward situations or situations where stuff can go very wrong very quickly.

So, double check with yourself about like how is this person at being a hinge?

Are they good at it?

Are they not good at it?

What are their issues?

Second big tip would be figure out where to meet that’s going to feel as comfortable as possible for everybody involved.

Some folks really like to meet in public.

For some folks, that feels really intimidating and they would rather meet like at the hinge’s house.

Figure out a place to meet that’s going to feel good for you and for your metamour and for your hinge.

Another big tip, they’re just a person.

I think in our minds a lot of times, our metamours are these like perfect deities who are like the hottest person ever and the person our partner likes the most and whatever.

They’re just a person like you.

And in fact, if your partner is into them, it’s highly likely that the two of you will have a ton in common because the same person is into both of you.

So don’t be surprised if you actually get along super well with this person.

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not.

That’s another tip.

Be who you are like be honest to yourself.

That doesn’t mean be like the brashest turn up to 11 version of yourself necessarily, but like don’t pretend to be someone else.

Don’t try to be the person you think they want you to be.

Be who you are.

Another tip is to clarify expectations.

So talk to your hinge about, are you allowed to give them a hug and a kiss when you all three get together?

What kind of PDA is allowed?

What kinds of names are you allowed to call that person?

Who is that hinge going home with?

Are they going home alone?

Are they going home with one of you?

How is that being handled?

Are there any things that you’re not supposed to talk about or that are better not to talk about at least right now?

Are there any topics that would be particularly touché for your metamour?

Ask about how you can make sure that you are being respectful to your hinge partner and to your metamour in a way that still feels like it’s being genuine for you and not limiting you in what you want to do or say.

And I think the last topic would be just – or the last tip would be, expect it to go well.

I think if we go into these things expecting them to be terrible, it’s really easy to psyche ourselves out and end up having a very weird time.

Just expect it to go well.

Expect that it’s going to be fine.

Expect that your partner likes you for a reason.

Expect that you are a person who is worthy of being liked and loved and don’t go into it expecting that things are going to go terribly.

They might.

Very occasionally, that happens.

But majority of the time, metamour meets go fine to great.

So just give yourself some space.

If anything goes super poorly, figure out a plan for yourself after for self-care.

Figure out what you are going to need after that meet in order to feel okay with yourself, in order to take care of yourself.

But expect that it’s going to go fine because it probably will.

The majority of the time, it goes pretty well.

If it does go badly, I think it’s important to think about in that situation who is contributing to that negative interaction that happened at this metamour meet.

Right?

I think a lot of times it is easy to blame a metamour for what are actually partner problems.

And so just be aware of if you’re on this – in this place of like my metamour was terrible, all of these things, just take a step back and think about like am I blaming my metamour for things that are actually the responsibility of my partner?

If for some reason your metamour gets super upset and your partner just spends the entire meet comforting your metamour and ignoring you, your metamour has a role in that and your hinge partner needed to do a better job of setting their own boundaries and making sure that they were behaving well as a hinge partner.

So just be aware of whose responsibility is what?

How are you going to handle it moving forward?

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