Polyamory 201: Treating yourself like your own primary

Dec 19, 2018

You can find Intimacy on social media @PolyFreeLove. 

Dr.Liz Powell: Welcome back to Poly 201. I’m Dr. Liz from Sex-Positive Psych.

Intimacy:Hi, I’m Intimacy from PolyFreeLove.

Dr.Liz Powell: So Intimacy, what is your Poly 201 tip?

Intimacy: My Poly 201 tip is something new. I’m still working on the wording around it. But basically, conversation with my ex-girlfriend who is really a love of my life still. And she is the wife of our shared partner who passed away last August.And so, we were talking about moving forward and how do you explain to people you’re still in love with someone who is gone.

Dr. Liz Powell: Yeah.

Intimacy: And she was like, “Basically, I’m telling them I’m in a relationship with me and if you would like to be in a tri-relationship with me and me, we can do this. But I’m not going to be your primary. I’m my own primary. You can’t control my time. You can’t expect my time every day or all night or all my free time should be allotted to you. No. It should be allotted to me and I will share some of that time with you.”

Dr.Liz Powell: Yeah.And treating yourself like your own primary is the way that some people talk about solo polyamory. I’m a solo polyamorist. And the thing I tell people from my shorthand is no one gets to tell me what to do with my body, my heart, my mind, or my time.

Intimacy: I love that. Yeah. I’m also solo poly and very comfortable in it for the last five years, six years, 2018, 2011, seven years. I left my husband in 2011.

Dr. Liz Powell: Yeah.

Intimacy: And it went on a 6-month no physical touch from anyone else.

Dr. Liz Powell: Wow!

Intimacy: Because I felt like I lost myself and my sexuality in that marriage.

Dr.Liz Powell: Got you.

Intimacy: And I needed to go back to what I like, who I am, and not being focused on all the fun sex life that I now have again. And that was hard. Like my partner was like, “I can’t have sex with you?” And I’m like, “But we’re non-monogamous so please go have sex with other people right now. Focus on them. I’m not responsible for your sexual pleasures.”

Dr. Liz Powell: Yeah.

Intimacy: I’m saying, “I’m not into any sexual pleasures right now so that I can just think.”

Dr.Liz Powell: I mean I think what I’m hearing from you about your Poly 201 tip is that there is this way that when a lot of us start non-monogamy, we have very specific ideas about like how we’re supposed to do it or like what it looks like.

Intimacy: Right.

Dr.Liz Powell: And that instead we can be bold and brave and fearless in doing what’s right for us.

Intimacy: Right.

Dr.Liz Powell: And then taking care of ourselves.

Intimacy:Right.And I feel like that needs to be a message that we start spreading more now so people don’t have to go through …

Dr.Liz Powell: It’s in my book.

Intimacy: Right?

Dr. Liz Powell: [Laughter]

Intimacy: I love that book by the way.

Dr.Liz Powell: Thank you.

Intimacy: It’s on my coffee table with two other books. But we’re going to talk about your book, not other books right now.

Dr. Liz Powell: OK.

Intimacy: And so like the best ex-program best friend, she was like, “Yeah, yeah, we’re in a relationship with ourselves and if you like to also be in a relationship with us, with ourselves, we can do that.” I was like, “Yeah.” We haven’t figure out the wording around this. [Laughter] I’m my own primary.

Dr. Liz Powell: Yeah. I mean #MyOwnPrimary.

Intimacy: Yeah. Yeah.

Dr.Liz Powell: All right. Well, thank you so much for joining me. I appreciate that. And where can people find more of you?

Intimacy: At PolyFreeLove on Tumblr, IG, Snapchat, Twitter, Facebook, just Google me.

Dr.Liz Powell: All the social medias. All right. Well, thank you so much, Intimacy.

Intimacy: Thank you.

Dr.Liz Powell: Stay tuned for more Poly 201 tips.

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