Polyamory 201: My partner has a date, but I don't! (And vice versa)

Dec 26, 2018

To find Ashlee, visit her photography site or Facebook, Instagram for more information! She's sex worker, polyamory, and LGBTQI+ affirming.


Dr. Liz Powell: All right. Welcome to Poly 201 tips. I’m Dr. Liz and I have with me …

Ashlee Cain: I’m Ashlee Cain of Rose Glass Photography.

Dr. Liz Powell: All right. So Ashlee, what would be your Poly 201 tip?

Ashlee Cain: Poly 201 tip for me would be I think it is easy to consider, “Oh, we’re going to be poly. I have to get used to the idea of my partner having other people and my partner’s case [0:00:23] [Phonetic] to with me having other people. I think something that you don’t think about is getting used to one of you having another person and the other one not.

And even then, I think your first one is like, “Oh my God! What if my partner has another partner and I’m alone?” But one thing that I was so clear for is to dealing a me having another partner and my partner not having another person kind of thing.

Thankfully, my partner is – he is not like bitter towards me or anything like that. But it is me personally think I’m pathetic. It does give me feels when I am off and have a date and I know he is going to be home all weekend or things like that. And not that he makes that my fault but it is something that I was not prepared to have to work through and think about and hold space for him for.

Dr. Liz Powell: Yeah.

Ashlee Cain: So yeah, that can be hard.

Dr. Liz Powell: So how would you tell people like what would be your helpful tips? Work me through that conflict.

Ashlee Cain: I think it would be really important to kind of have prepared both of you like sit down and talk about this, have prepared kind of go-to things to combat those feelings of loneliness, of jealousy, because believe it or not, poly people get lonely and jealous.

Dr. Liz Powell: What?

Ashlee Cain: Yeah. Poly people are not super humans who just don’t have negative emotions. So like for me, I know that if my partner is going somewhere and I know that for longer than a couple of hours than that, I’m going to be bored or alone. I know me personally. Social activity is my go-to So, who is around? And if I know that’s happening, I will see what’s happening on that day, who is around.

But my partner, he is far more introverted than I am so when I started having a regular secondary – well, not secondary, we’re not hierarchical, but another partner that I went out with regularly, he was just kind of like, “Oh, I don’t really feel like going over someone’s house. I’m just here alone.” And so, it wasn’t until we sat down and talked about some things and actually made a game plan for OK, when you’re lonely or when you’re sad, what are some things you’re going to do when I’m away so that you don’t just find yourself sitting there like., “Oh, I’m here now.”

Dr. Liz Powell: Yeah.

Ashlee Cain: And your partner leaving feeling, “Oh, I’m leaving them.”

Dr. Liz Powell: So I support you to bring that up because actually in book, Building Open Relationships. I have two worksheets for this. One is the post-date decompression worksheet which is if you’re the one on the date, how do you get you yourself back in the head space and reconnected with your partner?

Ashlee Cain: Yes.

Dr. Liz Powell: And then the other one is self-care while your sweetie dates. So like when your sweetie is out, how do you take care of yourself and like a lot of different realms.

So, you can find those for free at BuildingOpenRelationships.com and you can read more about them in the book, Building Open Relationships.

Ashlee Cain: That’s awesome. Those are two resources that I would really love like even having discussed this already with him, that’s awesome.

Dr. Liz Powell: Awesome. Well, thanks, Ashlee.

Ashlee Cain: No problem.

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