Polyamory 201: The attention needs of a unicorn in open relationships

Nov 28, 2018

You can find Carly on the web and on social @MakeupAndSin.

Dr. Liz Powell: Welcome back to Poly 201. I’m Dr. Liz from Sex-Positive Psych.

Carly: I’m Carly. I blog at DilDoorDilDont.Wordpress.com.

Dr. Liz Powell: All right. So Carly, what is your Poly 201 tip?

Carly: My Poly 201 tip is I like entered polyamory as being a unicorn. I loved being a unicorn because I love all the attention on me.

Dr. Liz Powell: Right.

Carly: And now, I am in like I guess hierarchical relationship like I have a primary partner who I live with and like we both see other people. And like even though I see other people and like I don’t have as many people coming to me like I would say the most important thing is making sure everyone knows all the attention that you want. Like just demanding – not demanding but like letting people know your needs. Like if I’m like, “I need you to give me more attention because you’ve been spending time with your metamour or what have you.” Like just letting people know that like, “I need more attention.” Like that’s the best thing that I’ve ever like really accepted.

Dr. Liz Powell: Yeah. One of the best ways I’ve heard this phrase, when you have issues in polyamory around like jealousy or fears about a metamour is to focus on building up not tearing down.

Carly: Exactly.

Dr. Liz Powell: So how do you reintroduce into your relationship what it is that would make you feel better rather than taking the things that are making you feel scared or not seen or not taken care of?

Carly: Exactly. So it’s not about being like, “I want you to do less of this. I want you to do more of this with me.”

Dr. Liz Powell: And that can be really hard sometimes.

Carly: Yeah.

Dr. Liz Powell: Because it can be really easy to point too like, “Well, you spent three nights with your other partner last week and I was left all alone.”

Carly: Exactly. And you don’t want to come off as like, “I’m so demanding like this and that.” You want to feel like everyone is getting a fair time but like you also want to make sure that your needs are getting met.

Dr. Liz Powell: Yeah, super important. All right. So, in short, if you feel like you need something, ask for it first.

Carly: Yeah.

Dr. Liz Powell: Work on building up not tearing down.

Carly: Exactly.

Dr. Liz Powell: All right. Awesome. Thank you so much, Carly.

Carly: Yeah. Thank you.

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