What does someone mean when they say no drama?

Apr 17, 2017

In dating, what does it mean when someone says, “No drama?” I’m Dr. Liz from Sex-Positive Psych. And today, we’re talking more dating pitfalls.

One thing that I have a lot of people talk to me about is finding a lot of profiles where people will explicitly state, “No drama. Don’t bring your drama. I don’t want to deal with your drama.” And on the surface, this seems like a great idea. How many of us in our lives have a lot of room for someone else’s stuff? Most of us are working really hard to take care of ourselves. We’re working really hard to make sure that we have our own self under control.

And yet, while this would seem to be about not introducing unnecessary hassle or stress into someone’s life, what I tend to see this actually meaning is no feelings especially not feelings like sadness or disappointment or frustration or anger.

Maybe you’ve noticed the same thing I do, which is that the people who are the first to say, “No drama, I hate drama,” are often at the center of drama. It seems like this has unfortunately become a phrase used frequently by those who tend to step on a lot of toes but don’t want to hear about it. And that’s frustrating because if someone hurts you, you have every right to want to be able to address that with them.

If someone has done something that is inconsiderate or hurtful, it is in fact your responsibility as a grown up to address that with them as directly as you feel comfortable doing.

And when people say, “Uh! I don’t want your drama. Don’t bring me your drama. Why are you causing so much drama?” Usually what they’re saying is, “I don’t want to be responsible for the drama I’ve created. I caused hurt. I caused heartache but I don’t want to deal with that so you hold it. Stop making it my problem.”

Now, that’s of course not always the case. But if you run into someone who is super insistent that want no drama in their lives, it’s worth asking some questions. After all, we are all human. None of us are perfect. And whenever you have two or more humans interacting, there’s going to be conflict. There are going to be ways in which we disagree or we don’t match. And that kind of conflict while inevitable, it matters most how you deal with it.

So drama in my experience comes from people who are unwilling to sit down, take accountability, be available, and talk about those things. Or from people who really enjoy jumping into other people’s stuff that doesn’t have anything to do with them. And again, when someone says, “No drama,” it’s worth asking, “Does that mean I have space to be human with you? Do I have space to struggle? Do I have space to hurt? What happens if you disappoint me or if something makes me angry that you’ve done? Is that drama? How do you define drama?”

Because if what they’re by no drama is that they don’t want people jumping into things that aren’t theirs, they don’t want people who aren’t involved in the situation trying to cause a huge mess of the situation, so like people who love to talk about everyone else’s business, if that’s what they’re talking about that they don’t want those people, that’s one thing.

But if what they’re saying with no drama is, “I don’t want to be accountable for my actions so keep your feelings to yourself,” it’s worth the conversation.

I’m Dr. Liz. If you want more help figuring out how to navigate the world of dating, I’ve got an amazing course for you. It’s called Your Erotic Voice. There’s more information about it below in the description. And leave me comments. Let me know. What are your questions? What do you think? If you disagree with me, absolutely post it here. Let me know. And I’ll see you next time.

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