Is it normal to want to rebound after a poly breakup but not wanting to rebound to the other existing partners?
So this is a really interesting question and I think for me when I first heard the question I was like, “Yeah, of course.”
The thing about a rebound is that I think that we rebound for a variety of reasons and a lot of them have to do with wanting to feel desirable, wanting to feel wanted, wanting to feel like our relational life is not over just because this relationship ended.
At the end of a relationship, a lot of times it can bring up a lot of questions for us about are we attractive?
Are we desirable?
Are we going to ever find someone to be with?
And so, a rebound is a way that we get that validation very quickly, often in ways that are not going to last for the long term but that help us with that short-term fear and insecurity that comes up.
And I think that in a polyamorous context, if you’re already in existing relationships, to some extent, those may reinforce that you’re desirable and that you’ll be in relationships again.
But I think that there is something particular about a new person wanting to get to know, a new person wanting to date you, a new person wanting to have sex with you that just feels different than a person with whom you already have an existing relationship.
And so yeah, I think it’s totally normal to want to have a rebound in a polyamorous context.
I think that it is helpful when you’re feeling that desire for a rebound to sit with those feelings and look at what is it that I’m looking for?
Is it that I need someone to show me and remind me that I am attractive and desirable?
If so, is having like a random hookup going to actually do that for me?
How am I going to feel when I do this rebounding?
Am I going to actually want to have a prolonged relationship if I start a rebound?
And if not, am I being fair to that person and letting them know where I’m at and what’s actually available for me?
So I think that totally normal to want a rebound.
It is worth looking at, is the rebound actually going to get you what you want and do the things that you’re looking for or is there a different way to go about that that might be more helpful for you?
I think sometimes we can also be using rebounding as a way to kind of like numb ourselves from the hard feelings of a breakup or kind of tune them out for a bit, and that’s not always necessarily a bad thing.
It just doesn’t tend to be a good long-term strategy.
So if you’re going to be doing a rebound, think about what your long-term strategy involves as well so that you’re not just focus on the short-term strategy.