How do you talk dirty? Nasty, Naughty, Negotiation

Mar 20, 2017

Cathy: How do you do dirty talk?
Liz: Whoa! Dirty talk!
Cathy: I’ m here with Dr. Liz.
Liz: Hi. And this is Cathy Vartuli.
Cathy: I’ m from The Intimacy Dojo.
Liz: And I’ m from Sex-Positive Psych.
Cathy: I’ m sorry. I was coming out like, “What’ s your website again?”
Liz: That’ s OK. It’ s still going to be fine.
Cathy: So dirty talk can be so – especially if you’re– I’m a sapiosexual like someone who loves really smart people and people can like get me really turn on with the right words. But how do you do it? Like it’ s very awkward when you try and you’ re like, “Oh baby, I am going to take you so hard.” Like that’ s not sexy. Like what are you tips when you teach – you have a class that you teach.
Liz: Yeah, I teach a class called Nasty Naughty Negotiation. And what I tell people is that the first step to talking dirty is of course is getting consent. There’ s nothing worse than I’ m in the middle of a long day at work and someone sends me, “I can’ t wait to tie you down.” I’ m like this is ...
Cathy: Or you’ re in a meeting and someone is – you’ re trying to be all serious and you’ re like, “What?!”

Get Consent

Liz: Right. So like, get consent first. Ask them, “Hey, I’ m feeling like doing some dirty talk. You want to do some dirty talk?” Get their buy-in. Number two, be yourself. You have to be you. I’ m kind of an awkward person. A lot of people who have like seen me on videos or seen me present at conferences, they see that I’ m like kind of goofy and weird. And part of that is because I’ m not a super sleek, suave person.
Cathy: I think either of our YouTube channels, people probably know by now this is not the place to go for suave.
Liz: No. If you’ re looking for like Fabio style pick-up lines, the thing is though, those don’ t work for everyone. If you’ re not a super smooth, sleek ...
Cathy: I’ve had people try them. I’ve been hanging out with pick-up artists and I’ m like I wanted to seriously try it and I’ m like creepy. I much rather have someone who is very authentic. And everybody gets to like what they like.
Liz: And some people are authentically that kind of smooth and sexy. Like some people are authentically live that way like Antonio Banderas I’m sure could walk up to you and deliver one of those pick-up lines and you are just, “Oh please, Antonio.” But if you’ re like me and you’ re a little awkward, it’ s OK to be a little awkward. It’ s OK to put that out there and talk about it. A lot of people worry about like words. What words do I use?
Cathy: Yeah.
Liz: So for instance, pussy, cunt. Some women, some vulva-havers love the word “pussy”. Some of them hate it. Some of them love the word “cunt”. Some of them hate it. So before you start dirty talking, if you can, talk to your – the person you’ re going to talk with about what language they like to use.
Cathy: Yeah.
Liz: I've got a free worksheet actually on my website that has a whole page of different words ...
Cathy: We’ ll put the link below.
Liz: Yeah, we’ ll put the link below. That has a whole page of different words that you can use during dirty talk for different genitalia, different activities you want to do.
Cathy: So it will be kind of a hot date like to go through and check those off.
Liz: Yeah.
Cathy: And you can like be on the phone going, “Sweetie, I would like to do this to your pussy.”
Liz: Yeah, you can do like dirty talk mad libs almost where you have this whole bank of words that you can use and it helps get past that initial like, “Oh god! My brain has frozen. What do I say now?”
Cathy: Yeah. And I actually – I teach sex for the shy and awkward. And one of the things I do is I teach people to leverage their shyness and awkwardness. So I say go up to someone and say, “I’ m really shy and awkward but you seem so cool. I want to try flirting with you.” So you can actually explain like you’ re so, “I really want to do this with you” and just actually leverage the fact that you’ re shy and awkward and like, “I’ m going to be myself with you” which is really kind of hot for people that like that really authentic.
Liz: Right. And I think that the majority of people would prefer that kind of authentic experience in their dirty talk. They don’ t want you to talk about stuff that you don’ t enjoy doing.

Get Out Of Your Head & Connect To Your Body

Cathy: Yeah. And I think one of the things for me is – well, first, I was trying to do it because I’m an intellectual person with PhD like I would try to be in my head and think about what I would thought would turn them on. It wasn’t very hot.
Liz: No.
Cathy: But if I could imagine what I really wanted to do that person especially if we were on the phone, I had a long distance lover at the time, I would masturbate while I did it so I was turned on and then I would actually tell them what was genuine for me or let it go into the erotic where we both like – neither of us would ever do it but we both thought it was pretty hot.
Liz: Right.
Cathy: We had some really hot phone sex.
Liz: Yeah. I also have a long distance lover right now. We have phone sex. And what I do when I’ m dirty talking is I turn first into my turn-on like I turn into like how I feel and like how – like I imagine what it’s going to feel like and the feeling of their touch.
Cathy: It’ s just like actually getting in your body.
Liz: Yeah, getting into your body and like feeling your own arousal makes it so much easier to dirty talk because if you’ re in the middle of like writing and essay and then you’ re like, “Objectively, I would like to do this thing with your genitals.”
Cathy: It’ s not hot.
Liz: It’ s not hot because you’ re not in the right mood.
Cathy: Yeah.
Liz: And once you get that turn-on going, it’ s kind of like a feedback loop where you both keep turning each other on more and more.
Cathy: Yeah. And I really like Tina Horn talks about she does a dirty talk class that I really love and she was talking about when you’ re doing dirty talk, you tell them what you’ re going to do to them and you tell them what you’ re doing to them in the moment and you tell them what you have done to them. And I like when you get very descriptive, “I’ m going to slowly trace my hand up your leg” or like if you can get into the moment of it rather than, “I’ m going to run my penis or my hand in your ...”
Liz: Right.
Cathy: Unless that’ s your erotic thing.
Liz: Unless that’ s your erotic thing. Like for the majority of folks, they don’ t like get together with their lovers saying, “Hey, nice to see you. Put your penis inside me.” Like that’s not usually ...
Cathy: There are people.
Liz: There are some. And sometimes that’ s great like sometimes that’ s super hot.
Cathy: Yeah.

Take Your Time

Liz: But the majority of the time for the majority of people, there’ s some kind of build-up. And what I say is like take your time, the same way that you would tease when you’ re with someone in person and let them build that anticipation and like get your stuff, do the same with your dirty.
Cathy: And I actually like a foreplay, like kind of teasing like, “I want to meet with you at 5 and I want to tell you all the things” like building some anticipation. And I actually have one person that called me and we hadn’ t played a lot so I was a little nervous. He’ s like, “What I really like to do is I’ d like to come over and I’ d like to take the trash out and make sure the house is all set and that you have gas in the car for the next morning and we’ re going to have dinner together and then I’ m going to call you on the ...” I was like ...
Liz: That’ s super awesome.
Cathy: I was like – and then when we started talking about sex, I was like, “Yes, please!”
Liz: Right? And particularly for women, the way that women’ s brains tend to work is that if there are other distractors, it’ s harder for them to have an erotic response.
Cathy: Because we can think of many things at the same time that we tend to. So just the – even though that person wasn’t actually doing those things, it was checking it off in my brain and I felt really cared about and so I was all relaxed. And so like my response was really fun.
Liz: Yeah. So again, like be aware of like consent. Make sure you know terminology that’ s going to work for both of you because again, there’ s nothing worse than someone using a term for you or for your genitals that really turns you off. Like that will screech it to a halt. And there are ways for recovery. You can always be like, “All right. Well, let’ s go back. So I’ m not going to use that word again.”
Cathy: Yeah.
Liz: And then just tune into your own turn-on.

Be Willing To Experiment

Cathy: And I love what Reid Mihalko, a friend of ours says. He says, “Have an experiment date.” Like, “We’ re going to have a date. We’ re going to try this out and we can be totally awkward and we can go, ‘ We’ ll never do that again,’” You don’ t learn unless you try.
Liz: Yeah.
Cathy: And if you just set up like we’ re going to have this hour and we’ re going to try it and be really silly if we want. It lets you start learning each other. And that’ s pretty hot too.
Liz: Yeah, that’ s super hot. Being silly with someone especially for me is essential to being able to have hot sexy times with them. If I can’ t be silly with them like it kills it for me.
Cathy: Yeah. So we’ ll leave the link below for your words.
Liz: Free dirty talk sheet.
Cathy: And I’ d love to come back – so going from words like humiliation play is something we talked about and not everybody is into that but if you are, we’ re going to have another video where we talk about how to use your words and different things for people that that’ s kinky for it.
Liz: Absolutely.
Cathy: So leave your comments below. How do you like to do dirty talk? What else get you in the mood?
Liz: Absolutely. And if you do grab my dirty talk sheet and it works really well for you, leave a comment about it because I want to hear.

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