Great Sex Can Change the World! (Really!)

Dec 19, 2017

Hi, everyone! It’s Dr. Liz, I wanted to do an impromptu Facebook live today because I had a client canceled last minute. So I had a little bit of extra time and I just wanted to chat with all of you. So, I was sitting here and I was thinking what is the best thing I could talk about today on my Facebook live? And I realized that some of you may not have seen my amazing new business cards, so I wanted to share them with you and talk about them. So this is my new card, the headshot on this card the beautiful, beautiful picture is by Regina Feliz Garcia, who does amazing portraits of badass women. And the design for the card, there’s the back with like the info.

The design for the card was done by my business coach, Lisa Robbin Young, who, if we’re talking about badass women is one of the most badass women I know. And, she has been a huge inspiration for me and helped me really start growing my business. But, if you see on the front side, it has my new phrase, my saying, “Great sex can change the world.” So what the fuck do I mean when I say great sex could change the world? On the like surface level, that phrase for me is about how fantastic I imagined the world would be if everyone was getting the sex that they wanted with who they wanted to have it as often as they wanted to have it whether that’s every hour or never.

But just imagine how satisfied and excited and full of energy and life people would be, if they were all having the sex that they wanted without shame, without fear, without judgment if they were getting those things to feed those needs. So when I talk about how great sex could change the world, there’s that element of how amazing would this world be if we were all getting our sexual needs met. If we weren’t people who were in relationships that weren’t working or if we weren’t people who were struggling gets shamed to even think of asking for what we want. But on a deeper level, the more that I’ve thought about this, the skills that you need to have great sex, I think mapped almost completely to the skills you need to have great relationships in every area of your life.

To have great sex you have to be good at communication. You have to be willing to be vulnerable and honest about what you want. You have to be communicative, you have to be upfront. You have to be willing to go with the flow. The ways that we bring our skillfulness to negotiating and creating great sex are the ways that we show up as a great co-worker or a great employee. They are the ways that we show up as a great friend or a great sibling or a great parent. The skills that we need are the same, it’s not some radical new skill set that helps us have great sex, it’s showing up and being present with the person that we’re with. It’s listening to what they tell us and making sure that we’re both on the same page. It’s using our words, we’re taking the risk to say, “Hey, I actually really want this thing.” That’s what makes great sex. It’s taking those risks, it’s being real, it’s being vulnerable.

And so when I talk about like great sex can change the world, there’s the obvious like if we’re all getting laid or not getting laid as is our preference, we’re going to be much happier people. But that deeper level of how do we bring this skillfulness to all of our relationships? How do we take a topic that’s exciting and fun like having hotter sex and actually help people build the skills that they need to be better humans in all the others areas of their lives? Having great sex is about showing up as your best self. It’s about being the person that it lives up to your values. It’s about being brave and courageous. It’s about being the best person you can be. And so when I talk about how great sex can change the world, I’m talking about how the skills that I work with people on may seem like flippant and unimportant when they’re framed in terms of getting hotter sex but they have so much more meaning to them.

If you can say no to sex, it’s probably more likely you can say no to that person who always keeps bothering you for your time. If you can say yes for the sex that you really want, you can probably also walk in and say yes to a raise and a promotion. If you are someone who is willing to be vulnerable about what’s important to you, you’re someone who can then connect more deeply with your friends, with your kids, with your parents, with the people around you. So all of those things that make sex great are what makes us great as people. And that’s why I feel like those of us who work in this field of sexuality, we don’t get the credit we deserve. We’re not just talking about fingers and orifices. We’re not just talking about genitals, we’re talking about people becoming the kinds of whole vulnerable, interesting, honest people that this whole world needs.

So, I’m happy you all are here. Hey, Ashley, I’m glad you like the card. Jackie, I’m glad you kind of look radiant today. I was feeling a little sweaty right before I started so I did it quick like Kleenex wipe off but it’s amazing what a little bit low light will do to impose that soft filtered look. Magdalena, I am so glad you love this message. What I would love is if you all are watching, type a question or a comment. I would love to talk with you all. I want to hear what it is that is inspiring you. I want to hear what it is that you get from great sex. Is it– I know for me great sex recently has been hugely helpful in processing the grief that I’m experiencing over my lover who died. I was able to find someone in my life who I trusted, who could hold me in that space of sex and grief together.
The act of creation with the act of loss and it was amazingly helpful to be able to have my feelings while I’m in a sexual moment.

Magdalena, addressing and engaging and embracing the whole person, yes, we have all had sex where you can tell that they’re just having sex with a piece of you as someone who has a vulva the vagina. I can tell when they are just basically treating me like a flashlight versus when they’re engaging with who I am as a whole person I have, as most you all know, a fair amount of casual sex. But the casual sex that I have, I want to have it that real person because that’s when it can be great sex. If I’m trying to pretend they’re not there, if I’m being selfish, if I’m not paying attention, I’m not going to able to have great sex with them because we’re going to be disconnected. There’s going be too much a distance between us. When you are engaging and addressing and embracing that whole person, you’re so right, Magdalena. That’s what makes great sex and that’s what makes great relationships and great friendships.

It’s hard to be a good deep friend with one part of a person. We need more, we more of each other and we need to all brave and show up. Jackie, that can be hot if you want to be treated like a flashlight. Yes, objectification is super hot when it’s what you want. And, I would say for me and this is different for everybody, the older I’ve gotten, the more that I like objectification when I know that it’s cops and robbers for grown-ups with your pants off rather than real. When I’m having sex these days as someone who has genuinely objectifying me, not objectifying me as part of a scene or as something that was pre-negotiated, it feels different to me than it did in my– in earlier parts of my life. I know that I when I was younger I had a lot of sex for validation to feel sexy to have some fun or to blow off some steam and there’s nothing wrong with that kind of approach to sex and I think that these days I like it much more when even if we’re being casual even if we’re engaging in consensual objectification, there’s still a genuine connection and I know that they still genuinely respect me as a human.

Magdalena, yes. The sex partner doesn’t feel present. Yeah, we’ve all been there, where you’re with someone who it feels like they’re a million mile away. Jackie, for sure. Yeah. If I think that I will never ever be someone who tells folks not to have casual sex. Because casual sex can be fan-fucking-tastic! I have probably more than my fair share of it. And, I don’t know if you’ll have read there, I’ll put it in the comments. There’s this great blog post that Carsie Blanton wrote called, Casual Love that looks at how we treat love with the seriousness of like telling someone that you’re dying of cancer but you have to like sit them down and have a very serious moment of “I need to tell you something and it’s OK if you don’t mean it to. But, I just need you to know something important from me, I am in love with you.”

And yes, love is important and love is a big deal. And how fantastic would our world be if you could hook up with something to be like “Man, I fucking love you in this moment. And that doesn’t mean you need to get married to me that doesn’t mean we need to date. Like, let’s just enjoy this casual love we’re having right now.” And I love that concept of being able to casually love people. So when I hook up with people, when I have my casual hookups or I meet someone at a sex party and fuck on the first date. It’s just part of who I am. I still want to have love for them even if it’s just for them in that moment, even if just for how they interact with me and make me feel, I want to find my space of love for them because, for me, that makes everything feel much better.

What other questions do we have? How else does great sex show up for you all? There are so many amazing people in my comments right now and like sending me likes and hearts how does great sex show up for you? All right, bye, Magdalena! Oh, I’m so glad you got some love with no strings. I love you. I hope you’re having a great time. I’m going to see you soon, I think. Who else how does great sex show up for you? Does great sex mean like you got a super hot moment with your doxy wand at the end of the night? That’s been my great sex recently. [Laughing] What is great sex for you and how does that translate to your life? For me, I know over the last couple of years, I have been working much harder on being vulnerable and upfront my relationships and I found that that actually communicates directly to a better sex. Because the more that I’m able to be my real self and– and worry less about their judgment and about shame, the more I’m able to get what I want in a way that feels really great to me.

So, Bethany, it’s so hard for you and your community– this is shameful, yeah. Look, I’m really lucky but I live in an area where there are lots of us weird sex folks around. And so it’s not as shameful here as it would be other places. So I get that’s struggle of what is it like when you live in a place that you’re ashamed of having a great sex. Caroline, I’m so happy to see you! I’m so glad you can be here. Great sex and pleasure help me to step into my power and be my badass self in the world. Ooh! Yes, preach it! I mean there is nothing like that feeling of having had this amazing engaged hot fucking sex to make you feel like you are on top of the damn world. Caroline again, great sex also helps me to get my refueled so I can go out and support other people’s pleasure. OK, that is such an important point and I’m so glad you brought it up.

We live in this culture right now that is like this race to deplete ourselves. You should work as much as possibly can all the time. You should be the busiest person. People brag about how little they slept how few meals they ate that they were just too it work– too busy with work and too busy with blah, blah, blah, blah to take care of themselves. If you are empty, you cannot fill up other people. And I see this all the time where these people who are working so hard, who are emptying themselves on a daily basis have this resentment towards people who haven’t also emptied themselves. And it’s that crabs in a barrel thing where we’re all pulling each other down because we’re miserable and exhausted and empty. When we fill ourselves up, we have so much more to give to others. It’s like they tell you on airplanes you got to put your own oxygen mask on first. If you put your own mask on first, you can help someone else. If you try to put on everyone else’s oxygen masks on the plane, you’re going to pass out from lack of oxygen.

We can’t run on empty all the time. We have to take care of ourselves. And great sex can be one of those things that fuels you, that fills you back up so that you can get out and help other people. Thank you so much for that great comment, Caroline. I Love you too! All right, I think I’m going to sign off soon but again remember great sex can change the world. All of us, we can all work together to keep changing this world. And again, great sex isn’t just about getting some genitals hot and horny with each other. Great sex is about bringing who we are in our best most real most true ways into this world. So how are you going to do that today? I know for me, I’m about to go sing with my friends, have some fun singing in Italian madrigals and chance which is– I know I’m weird. Bethany, I’m excited to see you too. Camp is going to be great!

If anyone watching this is going to sex geek summer camp, I will be there. I’m so excited to see everyone. It’s going to be a great time. If not, I hope I get to see all of you all soon. I was sending you all so much love. Most of you know I’ve been going through a tough time recently with losing my lover and then my recent battle with the VA and having all of your love and support is just– it means so much to me. And I’m so thankful to have all of you in my world. I am so thankful for the love that you give me and for the support you send me even from far away. You all are fantastic and I am so thankful for you. So thank you for everything that you do to be a part of my support team and keep having great sex you all. I’ll talk to you soon. Bye!

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