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Can you be polyamorous and asexual?

May 17, 2024

“Can you be polyamorous and asexual?”



So polyamory is about the practice or the intention to have multiple loving relationships with the full knowledge and consent of everybody involved.

For a lot of us, that does involve sex.

I hate it when people are like, “Polyamory isn’t about sex.”

It may not be about sex for you but it is often about sex for me.

That doesn’t make it better or worse.

It doesn’t make it cheaper.

It doesn’t make it less legitimate.

It doesn’t mean my relationships are less worthwhile.

I am a fuck first person.

And so, sex is deeply involved in all of my relationships that are romantic connections, dating connections.

That is important to me in how I build relationships.

And you don’t ever have to have sex for it to be a deeply intimate relationship.

There are a lot of people who are asexual who are polyamorous and it works great for them.

I think that there is sometimes this perception that the big benefit of doing polyamory for an asexual person is that then if your partner is allosexual, they don’t have to just never get sex.

They can just get sex from other people and it will be great.

And that can be true and I think sometimes that that ignores that often people in a relationship don’t just want sex in general.

They want sex with the particular person with whom they are in a relationship.

And so, yes, it is great that if you are asexual and your partner is allosexual, they can have sex with other people.

That may not mean that they are satisfied with that because they maybe wanting to have sex in general and also in specific with this person.

And so, just being aware of like if you are an asexual person, the same is like with me as a megasexual person, I understand that there are some people that I cannot date because it will not go well for us because of how I am wired.

I cannot date an asexual person.

That would not work for me because sex is so central to how get to know people, how I build bonds, how I form romantic connection.

That is at the center of how I do things.

And so if someone is asexual, that’s a hundred percent valid and we are unlikely to be a good fit.

And so just like understanding that polyamory is not also a magic cure-all for the challenges of being an asexual person dating allosexual people.

And figuring out how to negotiate what that’s going to look like and how that’s going to work for everybody involved and whether everyone involved is going to get their needs met.

But yeah, you could be polyamorous and asexual.

You absolutely can.


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